In the first three weeks of school alone…
- I have made more phone calls and sent more concerned emails home than I ever do in a complete quarter of school. I’ve literally lost count of how many times I’ve had to contact home.
- I have had less homework turned in than in my three years at this school.
- I have had two parent conferences about behavior and work completion issues.
- EVERY single request to see the counselor form has been from 7th.
- We had a huge cyberbullying issue arise in an instagram feed from, guess what grade level, oh surprise, 7th grade.
- We had someone graffiti all over the girls’ bathroom. Guess who? 7th grader.
- We had a fire alarm pulled by…you know it…a 7th grader.
- And we already had a fight and subsequent suspension of, guess who, two 7th graders.
Guess what grade level I teach?
If rock bottom is 0, I’m at a 1.
This has been one of the roughest months I’ve had in decades. I’m emotionally wrecked. I have come home from work and cried every day for the last week. I am stretched out so thin at work and yet things just keep getting piled on. I literally had to sit down with admin and tell them that they are pushing the 7th grade team to the brink and that they need to reevaluate what they are expecting of us. I have no idea how I’m managing to pretend that everything is alright; although, to be fair, I’ve had more people ask me, “Are you ok?” this month than ever before.
Last night, I had a huge breakthrough.
Growing up in a toxic household and being surrounded by toxic family members, you learn not to expect anything better than what you currently have. You learn to accept that life sucks, that you’ll never be able to rely on someone emotionally, or trust someone implicitly. You learn to accept that those you love will hurt you emotionally and that’s what life was like. To you, that is your reality; that’s what life will ALWAYS be like, no matter how old you are.
Last night, I finally realized that my life is so much greater than I’d ever allowed myself to dare for while I was growing up.
Cheesy stuff below readmore cut.
I was lying in bed thinking about how sad I was that summer was over. I realized that when it’s summertime, I can stay up late and since Steven needs less sleep than me, that means way more time together. And all of the sudden, I realized that coming home to Steven makes me so happy.
No one ever tells you as a kid in a toxic environment that being married could be so healthy and cause so much happiness in my life. I had no idea that home would be somewhere that I would feel safe and happy every day.
I was always afraid of life growing up because I didn’t know that there were healthy homes, healthy marriages. For the first time in my life, I realized that my life is everything that child me never could have dreamed of. I’m happy. I’m not in a toxic environment anymore. I never will be again.
I think I’ve just been waiting over the last few years for the boot to fall, for my life to be overrun with toxicity again. And I’ve finally realized that there is no boot.
important things to remember
- if someone doesn’t reply to your message they are probably busy, not ignoring you
- just because someone doesn’t message you first, it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you
- if someone seems upset or distant they probably aren’t upset at you in particular
- lots of people love you and you’re not annoying
I’m turning 27 this week.
So I’m being all responsible and adulty!
Just kidding. I slept in till eleven and am planning on: eating like absolute crap, sitting around the house all day, watching either anime or adult cartoons, surfing the web, and vaping a large amount of weed.
Weed has really been helping my anxiety. Like holy crap. The OCD portion of my condition gets a bit worse, but it feels like there’s a mute button on my inner anxiety thoughts when I’m high. It’s so nice to think without consistently being anxious.
I managed not to have an anxiety attack while laying in my bed imagining all the things that could go wrong. Point 1 to me for that.
I managed to ride my bike to work for the first time, despite being terrified and extremely nervous. Another point to me.
I successfully navigated the socializing and awkwardness that comes from teachers not seeing each other for two months.
I made it through a full day of work and meetings without getting overly stressed.
I made a dent in putting my classroom back together.
And then I got a ride home, walked the dogs, and then burst into tears. I was just so overwhelmed, so emotionally drained from managing my mental health throughout all of this stress during the day. But I did it. And I’m going to get up tomorrow, have another crazy day, and I will survive.